United States Government Asks Warren G. To Regulate Economy

It was a clear black light, a clear light moon, Warren G. was on the streets of Washington meeting with federal officials to explore the possibility of hiring him to head up a new regulatory system. Warren G., who was on-top of the hip-hop charts in 1994 with his hit song “Regulators,” may soon be regulating more than just stealing of property, which he was damn good at. Mr G. is being asked by the federal government to regulate various aspects of the economy that are most pressing in these troubling times: the credit industry, the housing industry, the automobile industry and the banking industry. As growing concerns of the use of the $700 billion dollar bailout loom, Mr. G. will have a tall task. It has recently been discovered that AIG was using bailout money to send their employees on lavish getaways, while Secretary Paulson is contemplating using the money to help stabilize Wall Street while neglecting the housing market. Democrats want to use some money to help rescue the failing automobile industry, while Republicans do not think the automobile companies will use the money wisely. All this comes in the wake historic low levels of confidence about the direction of this country. Despite this, Warren G. still remains optimistic and confident. While speaking to reporters after the meeting, Mr. G. screamed into the microphone, “REGULAAATOOORRSSS, MOUNT UP!”

The idea of hiring Mr. G. was first introduced by Washington Senator, Patty Murray. “Ever since I heard all this talk of de-regulation, I had that damn song stuck my head. Then I figured that we don’t just need any geek of the street. So I hit the east side of the LBC, on a mission to try and find Mr. Warren G.” When Senator Murray found Mr. G., he was at 2-1 and Lewis shooting some dice. Not dissuaded by this ominous sign of reckless spending, Senator Murray asked Mr. G to attend a meeting in Washington about regulating the economy. According to Senator Murray, Mr. G. simply responded by saying, “Let’s do this.” ”When I first heard that Warren was going to be leading the regulation of the economy I was excited,” New York Senator Chuck Schumer exclaimed, “but I thought it was going to be Warren Buffett. Personally, I think that Nate Dogg would do a better job.”

During the Congressional meeting, Mr. G. spoke about the problems the current financial meltdown has caused in the 213. Mr. G. spoke about people loosing their houses due to faulty mortgages and the effect the credit crisis has had on his neighbors, who face repo men everyday: ”I’m getting jacked, I’m breaking myself, I can’t believe they are taking our wealth. They took our rings, they took our rolex. I look at the brotha [repo man] and said, ‘damn what’s next?’” Mr. G. also expressed disbelief about the country’s economic situation. While talking to the senators, he put his head down in disappointment and stated “I can’t believe this is happening my own town.” Perhaps such hardship has caused Mr. G. to become existential and contemplative because he then told Congress that “If I had wings I can fly, let me contemplate of ways of helping the average American citizens with regulation.”

Meanwhile at the White House, during his press conference, President Bush excitedly spoke to reporters about the prospect of having Warren G. head up regulation. “MAN I LOVE THAT SONG! I USED TO SING THAT ALL THE TIME IN THE 1990′S WHEN I WAS DRUNK…IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I GOT DRUNK AND SUNG THAT….” Then, all of the sudden, the electricity went out at the White House before the president could finish his sentence. Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment…obviously.

In his closing statement, Mr. G. told everyone to ease their fears and worries. He believes that he is man to do the job, but he cannot do it alone. Mr. G. asked for the help of the entire country as he said ”BACK UP, BACK UP. CAUSE IT’S ON. THE UNITED STATES AND ME…WARREN TO THE G.” Finally, as Mr. G. has been known to do, he demonstrated a flare for the dramatic as he slammed the microphone on the table and said, “I’m tweaking on a new whole era…bad economy step to this? I dare ya…” Will this be a “whole new era” of regulation? We will only have to wait and see.